I turned a year older and not any wiser. I continue to be a kid trapped in a 20 something body. The last year was supposed to be the crucial year in every aspect. The almost 3 and counting in the American years, the much sought American degree attainment, the prospect to be desperately employed. Not much has happened post graduation should suffice for an explanation. I continue to be poor and un-independent, I have a job (it doesn’t really count in the big picture) that demands involuntary smiles and meaningless thank you along with building of strong muscles, major nail breakage, plenty of hand cuts and bruises and enormous sometimes intolerable leg pain. Above all it’s a job that has plummeted my understanding of myself and my dreams but serves to sustain my bank account and my life. It’s a life lived in desperation at this end.
Often times, since the past year I have take to writing as an aftermath of the ‘guilt’ for being; lazy it serves as benevolence to resurrect myself ,or at times of anguish because I needed to put my thoughts together. Today I write because no one else is listening to what I have to stay. With the turn of events yesterday I was struck with the awakening of how precisely true the statement ‘every man for himself’ is. I have been confided on my listening abilities by more then a handful of people. I am not much of a confiding person and in the last two weeks I have realized the stark truth of how silent a person I have allowed myself to become.
Sometimes I think I do not have anything substantial to covey or an intelligent conversation to divulge into. I find it difficult to hold an ordinary conversation on a day to day basis. I know I have become a loner or rather I have allowed myself to mould me into a loner. I have contributed into numerous and partaken in many ‘free your mind’ thought processes (which doesn’t change the situation whatsoever) but allows them to transfer and empty their thoughts into mine. However yesterday I realized how pathetic a life I lead after I could not find anyone to confide mine messed up life to. I hated myself for being deliberately stupid and gullible. I think I have learnt to hate myself a little more everyday. I hate being thoughtful, wannabe-wise, wannabe-strong,reliable and nice I want to be selfish, mean and demeaning because no matter how I try to wrap my head around it sometimes I do think the latter outweighs the former in the hurt aspect.
Because the times they are a changing. Would YOU change?
Hey there,
It’s a beautiful song. I just know a couple of songs by Tracy Chapman and I’m telling you I should try and listen to more of her songs.
Anyways, your write-up is really heart-wrenching. I sincerely hope you’re using this write-up to only pour out your sadness and that you have reverted back to your normal wanna-be wise guy lifestyle.
Peace,
Prayash.
This comment is a long time coming and finally it has, i abandoned my blog for a while and now trying to log in had to put in multiple username and password to keep afloat. Tracy Chapman sings to and from the soul. Also with the course of time i have realized that i blog on a bad day which seems to be plenty, so now i am challenging myself to blog as a happy person with happy writings. I dont want to get into this gendar topic but lets keep it short Me= F