Often times, since the past year I have take to writing as an aftermath of the ‘guilt’ for being; lazy it serves  as benevolence to resurrect myself ,or at times of anguish because I needed to put my thoughts together. Today I write because no one else is listening to what I have to stay. With the turn of events yesterday I was struck with the awakening of how precisely true the statement ‘every man for himself’ is. I have been confided on my listening abilities by more then a handful of people. I am not much of a confiding person  and in the last two weeks I have realized the stark truth of how silent a person I have allowed myself to become.

Sometimes I think I do not have anything substantial to covey or an intelligent conversation to divulge into. I find it difficult to hold an ordinary conversation on a day to day basis. I know I have become a loner or rather I have allowed myself to mould me into a loner. I have contributed into numerous and partaken in many ‘free your mind’ thought processes (which doesn’t change the situation whatsoever) but allows them to transfer and empty their thoughts into mine. However yesterday I realized how pathetic a life I lead after I could not find anyone to confide mine messed up life to. I hated myself for being deliberately stupid and gullible. I think I have learnt to hate myself a little more everyday. I hate being thoughtful, wannabe-wise, wannabe-strong,reliable and nice I want to be selfish, mean and demeaning because no matter how I try to wrap my head around it sometimes I do think the latter outweighs the former in the hurt aspect.

Because the times they are a changing. Would YOU change?

The irony behind these songs are  they not only convey moments of despair but are our ‘happy songs’ in some weird kinda  way. Guilty despair pleasure if you will!

If for every time I had a thought or a question in my mind and was given a penny for it then perhaps  I too would come to believe the world blinks every time I m out in the open

I would definitely have more then ‘just one question’ and the thought of “him” being just a slob like one of us makes me giggle. Now wouldn’t that be nice? If you don’t know it already,have you googled the word slob?  *wink* wink

For instance right now I am listening, watching U2 perform to an immense majestic crowd live in Rose bowl at Pasadena, California and simultaneously writing this. I just got a phone call from home and my mother is furious because she thinks ‘we’ kids (my brother and me) don’t care and never call, basically she wishes she had better kids like other children who call their parents and furnish them with information which do not encompass just their lives but also stories of children from the neighborhood who are spread across the world in different continents and different states. I don’t blame her because I admit I am not much of talker with my parents and I don’t reach out to them emotionally  verbally but it does not mean I don’t care. I just leave it for me to figure out how they are doing rather then actually asking them, I know for certain I will mess up far too many times in life even in the future regarding the way I process or handle communication with the people I truly love and care.

This just has me thinking how screwed up things are and how I wished I was more responsible and terribly sensible. Life never ceases to amaze me, we never get what we want and never like what we got. Euphoria, I always fall short, in fact too distant.

I am just trying to find a decent melody a song I can sing in my own company. Stuck in a moment! Thank you U2 for sharing lyrics and music like you do. I wish I had a moment to shine from misery wish it was  just a phase and it too would pass!

Cheers,here’z for tomorrow for the good and the bad times that will also come to pass ,perhaps.

I have befriended my 7 year old cousin who can now account for my best friend of sorts. I am now literate in the ways of an American kid upbringing, which I have to admit, is depressing. They loose the luxury of innocence too early and compensate it with the luxury of choice. My tv habits have taken a dramatic u-turn. I am retrieving and becoming young (in the head) mentally in that aspect. I now know the impact that Curious George (who supposedly is a monkey who is extremely curious) has on a 7 year old. I don’t underestimate the word girl series either, its impact is evident, the need to ‘spell correctly’ answers why my miniature size grown up (in the head) brother aces his spelling quiz every week. What I personally fail to comprehend is why do they use a monkey as a hero in every child educational/learning related show? I guess watching a monkey ever so often does something magical and marvelous to a kids memory??, I will just assume they came up with some kind of hypothesis for that and then eventually proved it. Please let it be true, If not it would kill me inside. Else I will have to resort to Google and look for a mental institution in the premises where I can admit myself voluntarily, because I recall giving my cousin (unknowingly) a monkey keychain the summer of 2007 to which he responded with a gleeful smile and I know he was thinking ‘oh its curious George, he must be real and magical for certain’…YIKES!!

Another drastic change that has taken over is with the color yellow. If I were to listen to coldplay’s ‘yellow’ I would promptly think and visualize a walking, talking, very intelligent yellow sponge. Yes, anything that is yellow now manifests itself as SpongeBob. I am appalled by the genius idea to symbolize a yellow sponge as a focal character for instrumental learning, WTF? However I have to admit I am a little evil bcoz I secretly love my deteriorating thinking process. I owe it to my in capable brain power to misinterpret a talking cheese with legs for spongebob and point it aloud only to inevitably find my little brother go furious, its almost like he has some copyright issues with me and would happily take me to court for it.LOL.. And seriously, George and Bob, do they really have to give them such lame names? It’s just so ehhhh… name racist! After an evening of tv session, a ritual for all weekdays I quickly come back to my room and surf the internet to keep myself sane and watch real tv in my Hp because the  flat screen HD tv only knows two channels , one that shows; ‘the wannabe smart monkey’ and the other ; ‘I know my spellings’ channel also with a monkey that looks just like the other monkey, (only a little  shorter) from the first channel.

I have made a huge discovery about myself in this period of time ,,,, I will be a terrible parent because I don’t have much patience with kids. I don’t mean to come off as rude and mean but there are numerous times in a single day I just want to keep my lil cousin in an hour of ‘time out’ session. I just think the kids here get away with far too many things and are given an incentive for disrespect.

I began writing this post with something else in my mind and ended up writing a really unrelated one completely differing from the subject. I guess this one was long pending too and my subconscious mind took over. I hope to write more and I have promised myself that I will vent in writing with no fear of being judged and no tedious attempt at fancy words, maybe I should just get back to the old fashioned way and dig out my diary and pen. AHH… it does have a lot of blank pages and I don’t have any shortage of pens. Will think about it!

]]> http://skzy.wordpress.com/2009/10/25/untitled-2/feed/ 0 wise.not http://skzy.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/train-of-thoughts-at-the-wee-hours/ http://skzy.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/train-of-thoughts-at-the-wee-hours/#comments Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:42:22 +0000 theretrospect http://skzy.wordpress.com/?p=59 Continue reading →]]> Every time I procrastinate (an art which I have perfected) and decide to write something, I have this déjà vu moment hit me like a strong gush of wind. Yes, the guilt has sunken in for a prolonged failed update YET AGAIN!

‘We don’t know what we got until we say goodbye’. Henceforth to prove the statement true I miss the southern state where i resided not too long ago. The weather is a definite winner. I miss the relaxed tiny town of Flor that was adorned in the una colors of purple and yellow with lion paws painted in the streets downtown to emphasis and also validate the presence of the university’s mighty mascot beyond a caged zoo. I miss the laid back serenity of the campus and its park like architecture, even the narrow streets and the old dilapidated houses that are tornado prone hold an undivided fascination of its own. Florence now reminds me of being an international student in a desolate town with limited activity to engage in and good friends for company. It might also prove to be my only consolation of my desire to visit Italy someday. Foremost it’s a place I called home from Jan 2007 untill May 2009. Although i changed a total of three apartment addresses from one neighborhood to another in the given time, the place remained unchanged, just the distance to and from college either expanded or shrunk in distance.

I remember coming back to Florn for my graduation after I made that temporary move to the city. As I closed into town I was swept  by a surreal surge, it was the emotions of returning home, the same feeling I felt when the airplane wheels touched against the asphalt of the runway of Kathmandu airport while returning home for vacations during the boarding years. I guess I found a home away from home in a tiny town that is often times difficult to comprehend. I remember a very wise friend of mine enlisting to me what makes memories and time worthwhile, he said it’s not the place! People say it’s the place which is a make belief, “it’s what you make out of that place and the people you befriend in that given place”. Come to think of it, bloody idiot he’s often right.

While residing in the tiny town  we were always looking to break free, explore big cities, be part of the pomp and drama of nightlife in a  hip town. In short we dreamt of moving to a bigger buzzing city that had tall building light the skylight during the nights and obscure the visibility of the clear wide sky during the day. Who imagined change can be so painful that it makes you terribly miss the place you passionately despised once? Guess I DO, now. Hence I am the soul of a tiny kid entrapped in the body of a grown women who ought to make choices and decisions in life that are imperative but somehow always manages to fall short and makes it seem futile.

The only reason I ventured into Word press is (in the hope) to blog more consistently which I thought would come more naturally with a change in environment and the need to explore, but I already feel a little guilty for putting things off. A blog update has been shamelessly due for a while. There is much that I can write about but I don’t know where to begin and it gets me a little flustered. Picking up where I left since my last post would prove to be a monumental undertaking and because I have the memory span of a gold fish I doubt I can incorporate much. However I choose to take this opportunity to retrace my footsteps and contemplate.

I graduated, was part of the pomp and show, which involved black gowns, the red sideway carpet, the carnations, the hat and the tassel, the podium, the flag, the photographs, but no hand shake (?)- our university president expressed he was a little too concerned about the swine flu that had plagued the mighty US, and he was convinced that shaking hands with 400+ graduates could pose sever health concerns. A mini discovery of sorts which demanded my full attention,(also an experience) whilst partaking in the ceremony was how awl- fully long the walk from the stage to your seat can get when the entire huge room is packed with cream colored seats with name tags occupied by too many graduating students. It’s a menace; the thought is overpowering in ways more then one, one such acutely highlighted by the recent employment circumstance. Nevertheless I was glad to be a part of the experience and acquire a degree, overtly relieved for having survived the last semester and elated to be engraved into the university alumni as the Class Of 2009.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..                                 I almost feel like writing has become some sort of a task that requires guided monitoring. Have I changed? I don’t knw. But I am glad I took to writing whatever little my mind decided to spurt out today, maybe once I get the hang of it again, I won’t be hesitant to be blog verbal and restrain my mind from thinking.

]]> http://skzy.wordpress.com/2009/08/17/drift/feed/ 0 wise.not http://skzy.wordpress.com/2009/08/08/yet-another-phasecollege/ http://skzy.wordpress.com/2009/08/08/yet-another-phasecollege/#comments Sat, 08 Aug 2009 21:09:52 +0000 theretrospect http://skzy.wordpress.com/?p=18 Continue reading →]]> 9th july 2006

Presently I am in one of my graduate moments. The one that beckons on you to look at the world differently because you have the dual distinction of being both mature and having a degree at your disposal. Its funny what life circumstances we circum to in our effort to conquer the various possibilities in life. With the various “moments” encountered ,I have learnt and unlearnt numerous things altogether. I even realized how small the world is in its true sense. Looking back to the process of being a graduate, instances have been vaporized taken to non existence and again re-encountered, all in the pursuit of trying to understand the people around and the person within.

However college has been quite a different story.It amuses me to even recall the moments. The weirdness that came supposedly with the course itself. The people that i have hated and now begun to love; the absurdness of loving then hating. The moments of making up my mind to disrespect then respect(which hardly ever happened)!The tantrums that came with the camps. The on-spot slaughter of the working camp in station local ;agonizing. The reality strike moments of the rural camp , in all of its simplicity it helped in enabling us ,to build friendship and the rumors. Then the urban outing/camp, as someone mentioned the ‘sad’ Delhi visit, the flip side being we really didn’t visit Delhi only the sad places, which is a compromise to the outsiders who are clueless about what it has to offer. Atleast if i visit the place again, EVER ,I know where to look to make up for the “sadness” of the previous visit. The field placements- like it was suppose to boost the moral or anything, painstaking; exemplified as much needed hands on experience. All i can remember it by is the 9-5 supposed field work/free labor on Thursdays and Fridays. However, i did get lucky with my placements and my juniors. When the placement was a ranted ,deemed nuisance i had extraordinaire team mates and vice versa. All three years I escaped from the plight of having those agonizing moments of trying to be a senior with a “I have an aptitude and an attitude and i m going to brush it off on you” junior. Luna,Shristi and Shanti’z name cannot go unmentioned here. My trio field partners and me walking through the streets of Patan amidst laughter,rants,empty stomach,stuffed belly,rain,human traffic, traffic and whatnots. YUHP and Patan would never have been the same without you guys.

All in all there have been more people who have made the ride worthwhile. The Nepali Sir- Thank you for endlessly mocking me time and again, i dont know if it helped me in any way when it came to enhancing my nepali writing and vocabularly, but it sure as hell paced the way for superb entertainment in the classroom. Drumroll, to Ashish for helping me pass the Nepali Exam, i  extended my cheating skills and proclaimed victory with a C. I have never been more elated with a C before. Mr Buckley, i probably wont forget  him even if i wanted to- an honorary member of breaking the boredom of the mundane life for some, but for me someone with attributes of being a teacher and anything but a teacher. With all the contradictions he had to offer, an insanely great individual- philosophy was a force to be reckoned with, literally. The history sir-an emblem of sweetness at an agonizing age, i wished i had paid more attention and divulged in fewer reckless conversations in your class ….I am certain i do not want to remember/mention  any other teachers incidentally, because they have too many loopholes to fix in their names , and trying to dismantle that would be such a burden to the brain. Then the people who have made the ride alongside me, in moments of approval, disapproval and everything else. Krits- the ultimate person i despised and then loved, beautiful inside out. All the engaging and not so engaging ones . Despite where life takes us i will remember you all for filling in, an integral phase of life. Now when i come to think of it I can’t even recount how we fitted in, but couldn’t have done it without the complaining, making plans then quiting ,,all a vicious circle for the intake. The ultimate bunking,simply because we were disgusted at not having it done so long and the confusion of what to do and where to go after the bunk. The farewell, trying our best to ‘not’ fit in  with the other group thus showing up as we liked. Sounds too predictable but right from the guard at the gate to the tangible and intangible things ,amongst all speculations and complaining its been quite a ride….